By Joe Sixpack
Posted on February 1, 2008 on Joe Sixpack

EVEN IF their beer was bland, you could always depend on the Big 3 to produce entertaining commercials during football season. Their 30-second spots had people talking at the water cooler on Monday mornings.

Catfights . . . Louie the Lizard . . . Whazzzup . . .

Can you honestly remember a single line from a beer commercial this season?

In Joe Sixpack's 6th Annual State of the Sleaze, I'm half-tempted to declare the death of quality beer ads. Only I think I've been complaining about the decline for about three years now, and no one else seems concerned that America is facing the extinction of a vital part of its cultural heritage.

Coors Light is still running those lame fake-news-conference ads, ignoring a near-universal loathing among football fans for those sourpuss ex-coaches, Dennis Green and Jim Mora.

Miller Lite apparently is marketing its brew as the favorite of Dalmatians.

And Budweiser is wasting the estimable talents of "Daily Show" correspondent Rob Riggle by having him explain that it's "not just a beer - it's a lager."

Imports, which once provided a bit of splash, were almost completely absent from NFL broadcasts. No Grolsch, Beck's or Corona. Not even that techno Heineken DraughtKeg spot.

And forget about cleavage. In a season when America was closer than ever to electing a female president, beer babes were as rare as talking frogs. I actually found myself reduced to TiVoing one Bud ad to check out the skinny young thing in the background showing off her tramp stamp.

Sad. Even with a captive audience of football-crazy guys with minimal post-Neanderthal standards of civility, beer-makers are playing it safe.

Anheuser-Busch is once again the sole Super Bowl beer sponsor and, tellingly, all but one of its ads are for Bud Light, its No. 1 selling brand.

No, you don't expect the company to spend $2.7 million to pimp Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale. But during the game, you won't even hear the words "Michelob Ultra" or "Budweiser Select."

Jeremy Mullman, who writes about beer commercials for Advertising Age and has seen previews of the commercials, says it looks like A-B is headed back to the basics.

"Last year, they didn't have a very good year with their core brands," Mullman told me. "They had a lot of things going on, with [the acquisition of import rights for] InBev and Grolsch, [and] they added Rolling Rock to their portfolio. So they kind of got distracted and took their eye off the really big brands.

"So it seems clear they're trying to refocus, especially on Bud Light . . . It's not just a message to beer drinkers, they're sending a message to their own wholesalers that this is what they think is important."

But it's sending another message, too.

For all its corporate talk about diversifying and building new brands, A-B is still as St. Louis-conservative as ever. Yes, its ads on Sunday will be humorous with a twist. That way they're sure to score big in the all-important USA Today Ad Meter.

They won't, however, be anywhere near as memorable as the Bud Bowl or Real Men of Genius.

The frustrating thing is, we all know A-B and the creative minds at its ad agencies can still come up with entertaining material. I'm still getting links to that infamous Bud Light swear jar spot, a genuinely funny gag that appeared only online.

Why not air that one during the Super Bowl? It's no more obscene than Jimmy Kimmel's "Unnecessary Censorship" riff on late-night TV.

It makes you wonder: Is this something else we can blame on George Bush?

Could the demise of the quality beer commercial be just a sad, Janet Jackson nipple backlash, a backlash that has the networks cowering at the anti-alcohol family "values" of our famously abstemious president?

We won't know for sure till Super Bowl XLIII.

Super Suds

So, what are you drinking for the big game?

With New England taking on New York, here are a few suggestions, depending on whether you're giving or taking the points.

Patriots: Samuel Adams Boston Lager, Harpoon IPA, Corsendonk Pater.

Giants: Brooklyn Lager, Southampton Imperial Porter, Goliath from Belgium's Brasserie des Geants.

"Joe Sixpack" by Don Russell appears weekly in Big Fat Friday. For more on the beer scene in Philly and beyond, visit www.joesixpack.net. Send e-mail to joesixpack@phillynews.com.